A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.  I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.  'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem.  Bring your two female parrots
over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.  His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.  The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away.  Our prayers have been answered!"
 

1.  If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2.  If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3.  If they say they're Joe Doe fro the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4.  This one works better if you are male:  Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5.  Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6.  Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7.  If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister deep voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8.  If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9.  Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That’s fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that’s a complete stranger.

10.  Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:  Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."  You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling
from?"  Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11.  Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.

12.  Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, Then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (this is usually the most effective method)
 

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross".
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
 

IS IT OVER?
BUT EVERYBODY LOOKS FUNNY NAKED!
YOU WOKE ME UP FOR THAT?
DID I MENTION THE VIDEO CAMERA?
DO YOU SMELL SOMETHING BURNING?
TRY BREATHING THROUGH YOUR NOSE
A LITTLE RUG BURN NEVER HURT ANYONE!
DID YOU LOCK THE BACK DOOR?
BUT WHIPPED CREAM MAKES ME BREAK OUT!
THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME, RIGHT?
HURRY UP, THIS ROOM RENTS BY THE HOUR!
CAN YOU PASS ME THE REMOTE CONTROL?
DO YOU ACCEPT VISA?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ON SECOND THOUGHT, LET'S TURN OUT THE LIGHTS
AND TO THINK, I WAS REALLY TRYING TO PICK UP YOUR FRIEND!
SO MUCH FOR MOUTH-TO-MOUTH
TRY NOT TO LEAVE ANY STAINS, OKAY?
I HOPE YOU'RE AS GOOD-LOOKING WHEN I'M SOBER!
DO YOU GET ANY PREMIUM MOVIE CHANNELS?
TRY NOT TO SMEAR MY MAKE UP, WILL YA?
GOT ANY PENICILLIN?
BUT I JUST BRUSHED MY TEETH!
SMILE, YOU ARE ON CANDID CAMERA!
I WANT A BABY!
SO MUCH FOR THE FULFILLMENT OF SEXUAL FANTASIES!
WHY AM I DOING ALL THE WORK?
DID YOU KNOW YOUR CEILING NEEDS PAINTING?
I THINK YOU HAVE IT ON BACKWARDS
WHEN IS THIS SUPPOSED TO FEEL GOOD?
PUT THAT BACK IN THE KITCHEN WHERE IT BELONGS!
YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING!
DID I REMEMBER TO TAKE MY PILL?
THAT LEAK BETTER BE FROM THE WATERBED!
I TOLD YOU IT WOULDN'T WORK WITHOUT BATTERIES!
BUT MY CAT ALWAYS SLEEPS ON THE PILLOW!
DID I TELL YOU MY AUNT MARTHA DIED IN THIS BED?
NO, REALLY, I DO THIS PART BETTER MYSELF
IT'S NICE BEING IN BED WITH A PARTNER I DON'T HAVE TO INFLATE
THIS WOULD BE FUN WITH A FEW MORE PEOPLE
YOU'RE ALMOST AS GOOD AS MY EX
DO YOU KNOW THE DEFINITION OF STATUTORY RAPE?
YOU LOOK YOUNGER THAN YOU FEEL
PERHAPS YOU'RE JUST OUT OF PRACTICE
NOW I KNOW WHY SHE DUMPED YOU!
YOU GIVE ME REASON TO CONCLUDE THAT FOREPLAY IS OVERRATED
WHAT TAMPON?
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED LIPOSUCTION?
AND TO THINK, I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO BU YOU DINNER!
WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?
I HAVE A CONFESSION...
ARE THOSE REAL OR AM I JUST BEHIND THE TIMES?
IS THAT A HANGING SCULPTURE?
YOU'LL STILL VOTE FOR ME, WON'T YOU?
DID I MENTION MY TRANSSEXUAL OPERATION?
I HAT WOMEN WHO ACTUALLY THINK SEX MEANS SOMETHING
A GOOD PLASTIC SURGEON CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT IN NO TIME
DOES THIS COUNT AS A DATE?
OPRAH HAD SHOW ABOUT MEN LIKE YOU
I NEED ANOTHER BEER FOR THIS
YOU CAN COOK TOO, RIGHT?
WHEN WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET MY PARENTS?
YOU COULD AT LAST ACT LIKE YOU'RE ENJOYING IT!
KEEP IT DOWN, MY MOTHER IS A LIGHT SLEEPER!
I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WORK FOR THE ENQUIRER
SO THAT'S WHY THEY CALL YOU MR FLASH!
MY OLD GIRLFRIEND USED TO DO IT A LOT LONGER
I'M ONLY DOING THIS FOR A RAISE
HOW LONG DO YOU PLAN ON BEING "ALMOST THERE"?
 

01.  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
02.  Movie nudity is virtually always female.
03.  You know stuff about tanks.
04.  A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
05.  Monday Night Football.
06.  You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
07.  Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
08.  You can open all your own jars.
09.  Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10.  Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11.  When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12.  Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13.  All your orgasms are real.
14.  A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15.  Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16.  You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17.  You understand why Stripes is funny.
18.  You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19.  Your last name stays put.
20.  You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21.  When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22.  You can kill your own food.
23.  The garage is all yours.
24.  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25.  You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26.  Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27.  You never have to clean the toilet.
28.  You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29.  Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30.  Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31.  If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32.  Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33.  The National College Cheerleading Championship
34.  None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35.  You don't have to shave below your neck.
36.  You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37.  If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38.  You can write your name in the snow.
39.  You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40.  Everything on your face stays its original color.
41.  Chocolate is just another snack.
42.  You can be president.
43.  You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44.  Flowers fix everything.
45.  You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46.  You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47.  You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48.  Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49.  You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50.  You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51.  Foreplay is optional.
52.  Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53.  Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54.  You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55.  You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56.  You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57.  Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58.  You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59.  You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
60.  The world is your urinal.
61.  You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62.  You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63.  Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64.  One mood, all the time.
65.  You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66.  You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67.  You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68.  You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69.  Same work....more pay.
70.  Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71.  You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72.  Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73.  You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74.  With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75.  You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76.  If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77.  The remote is yours and yours alone.
78.  People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79.  ESPN's sports center.
80.  You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81.  Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82.  You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83.  You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84.  You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85.  If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86.  Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87.  You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88.  If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89.  Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90.  The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91.  You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92.  You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93.  If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94.  New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95.  Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96.  You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97.  Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them.
98.  Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99.  Baywatch
100.  There is always a game on somewhere.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe.  The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."  The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison."  The chief gives him some poison.  The Frenchman says, "Vive La France" and drinks
it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol.  The Englishman points it at his head, says "God Save The Queen" and blows his brains out. 

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.  The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.  There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.  The chief is horrified, and screams, "What are you doing???"  The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your fucking canoe, asshole!"
 

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts.  I guess I should see a doctor."  His friend said, "don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor.  Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making  some noise and the various lights started flashing.  After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.  Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.  He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.  To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. 

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.  The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.  Your dog has ringworm.  Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.  Your daughter is using cocaine.  Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.  Your wife is pregnant-twin girls.  They aren't yours.  Get a lawyer.  And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
 

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he  notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.  Yhe vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.  The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.  Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs.  Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of theme's honking the horn."
 

A young ventriloquist touring the Southwest of the U.S. stopped to entertain in an Arkansas bar.  While going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, a big burly guy in the audience stood up and threatened, "I've heard just about enough of your smart-mouthed, hillbilly jokes!  We ain't all stupid here in Arkansas!"

The flustered ventriloquist began to apologize, when suddenly the big guy interrupted, "You stay out of this, Mister, I'm talkin' to the smart-mouthed little fella on your knee!"
 

A man was walking through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.  He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.  The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." 
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I 
haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.  The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?
 

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.  What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man... maybe GI JOE.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken.  And what's with that earring anyway?  if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6.  A jog-bra.  To wear until I get the surgery. 

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.  How about a compensation analyst?  Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8.  A new, more 90's persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol  patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10.  Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
 
 

Okay Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.  If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.
 

Yours Truly,

Barbie
 

======================================================================================

KEN'S LETTER TO SANTA

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of  my fashion choices.  I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other collegues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything.  I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream-house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ablility to change our hair style.  I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career.  Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? 

In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:  "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken",  "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".  These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.  Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken
 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman. 

"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket." 
 

         HIS
         1. Pull up to ATM
         2. Insert card
         3. Enter PIN number and account
         4. Take cash, card and receipt

       HER
         1. Pull up to ATM
         2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
         3. Shut off engine
         4. Put keys in purse
         5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
         6. Hunt for card in purse
         7. Insert card
         8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
         9. Enter PIN number
         10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
         11. Hit "cancel"
         12. Re-enter correct PIN number
         13. Check balance
         14. Look for envelope
         15. Look in purse for pen
         16. Make out deposit slip
         17. Endorse checks
         18. Make deposit
         19. Study instructions
         20. Make cash withdrawal
         21. Get in car
         22. Check makeup
         23. Look for keys
         24. Start car
         25. Check makeup
         26. Start pulling away
         27. STOP
         28. Back up to machine
         29. Get out of car
         30. Take card and receipt
         31. Get back in car
         32. Put card in wallet
         33. Put receipt in checkbook
         34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
         35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
         36. Check makeup
         37. Put car in gear, reverse
         38. Put car in first
         39. Drive away from machine
         40. Travel 3 miles
         41. Release hand brake
 

ADULT:  A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:  A place where women curl up and dye. 
CANNIBAL:  Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:  The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 
DUST:  Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:  Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 
GOSSIP:  A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.
INFLATION:  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 
MYTH:  A female moth.
MOSQUITO:  An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. 
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. 
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have.  You have character lines. 
 

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.  During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.  The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.  "I finished the exam in half and hour. But," she says," I am rechecking my answers."
 

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing  a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
 

What is six inches long...
        Has a big head...
        Drives women wild...
        and once they get a hold of one...
        all they want to do is blow it?

        The new $100 bill.
 

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins.  "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
 

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.  So he walks down to the store only to find it closed.  So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.  At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.  They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.  After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.  Have you got any talcum powder?"  She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.  "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this.  I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed.  So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.  I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."  "Oh yeah?  Let me see your hands!"  She sees his hands are covered with powder and...  "You God damn liar!!!  You went bowling again!!!
 

A black, a Jew, and an Indian get into a car wreck.  Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter informs them that it is not their time, they were not supposed to die yet.  He offers them a deal, "You give me $20, and I'll let you go back down and live the rest of your lives out." 

The black guy says, "Fair enough," and hands St. Peter a twenty.  Back on earth at the accident scene, he sits bolt upright, shocking the paramedics that had just pronounced him dead.  They all gather around to ask him what happened.

"Well, it wasn't my time, so I paid St. Peter 20 bucks and he let me come back from the dead."  Noticing the other victims remained lifeless, the paramedics ask why they didn't also take St. Peter up on his offer.  The black guy rolls his eyes and says, "Oh, the Jew is trying to talk him down to $12.50, and the Indian is waiting for the Government to pay for it."
 

01.   I'm too old (or, too young) to find work. 
02.   I don't have enough money.
03.   I don't speak enough English/Spanish/Russian/Navajo for them to hire me. 
04.   I fail at everything I try. Why bother? 
05.   I don't have a car/a phone/a fax/a pager/a computer/an alarm clock. 
06.   I'm too shy. 
07.   I don't know where to start.
08.   I don't have a degree (or, the proper education). 
09.   It's impossible. I've tried before. 
10.   No one would want me (or, my skills). 
11.   It's too late in the day (or, the season, or the year, or in my life) to find a job now. 
12.   It would take too much effort. 
13.   I don't have the time.
14.   I'm engaged to be married; once I'm married my problems will all be solved. 
15.   I'm not strong enough. 
16.   It might ruin my health. 
17.   I can't take rejection. 
18.   I'm registered with a temp service (or, employment agency, or union, or major employer) and they haven't called me yet. 
19.   I've applied already, and they turned me down. 
20.   There's too much competition for jobs. 
21.   I don't know how to look for work. 
22.   There's no point in starting a job search. 
23.   I'd lose my shirt. I'd lose my kids medicaid, and what happens if they get sick and need to see a doctor. 
24.   I don't have any work clothes (or, I don't have any good clothes, or steel-toed shoes, or dress shoes, or a hard hat, or necktie). 
25.   I don't have any family here (or, where the jobs are located). 
26.   The economy is terrible here (or, the housing situation is terrible here, or where the jobs are located). 
27.   I already sold all my tools. 
28.   I'm pregnant (or, trying to get pregnant). 
29.   It would spoil my vacation. 
30.   The timing isn't right. 
31.   I'm waiting until the kids get out of school (or, back in school, or until they graduate from school). 
32.   I can't sell. 
33.   They don't offer enough benefits. 
34.   I need more of a challenge (or, it's too much of a challenge). 
35.   I'm not a morning person. 
36.   I worked and paid taxes for two (or, five or ten) years, and it's high time for me to relax and get the benefit of what I've paid in. 
37.   This is the wrong time of my life. 
38.   It would mean starting over. 
39.   I might fail. 
40.   I don't have the energy. 
41.   I don't drive on the freeway/at night/in that neighborhood/ in ice and snow/on narrow roads/out of my part of town. 
42.   I don't have any auto insurance. 
43.   I'm not into the eight-to-five scene. 
44.   I'm barely making it now, and I can't afford to waste time and gasoline searching for a job all over town. 
45.   I'm too fat (or, thin). 
46.   I'm a rock musician (or, poet, or writer, or painter). I haven't got any gigs yet, but I have to be free when they call. 
47.   A new necktie (or, magazine subscription, or briefcase, or mailings) would cost too much. 
48.   I'm not feeling well. 
49.   I'm planning to go back to school some time in the future, so I can't work. 
50.   I don't want to think about my problems right now. 
51.   The weather is too hot (or, too cold). 
52.   It doesn't pay to work in this town. 
53.   There's nothing within walking distance of my house. 
54.   It won't work. 
55.   Anybody could do that job; I want something challenging. 
56.   It's too much of a challenge. 
57.   I don't want them to make me cut my hair, or tie it up. 
58.   My husband wouldn't let me. My wife wouldn't let me. 
59.   Public transportation doesn't run that early/that late/that far/that reliably. 
60.   I can't find any free day care. 
61.   I can't stand the smell of plastic (or, bus exhaust, or flowers, or machine oil, or food, or people). 
62.   This town's too small (or, too big) to find a job. 
63.   There's no jobs out there. (sic) 
64.   If I word around food, I'll start eating, and there will be no stopping me. 
65.   The boss will start talking some trash, and I'll lose my temper and get fired again, so why bother? 
66.   I just arrived in town, and you want me to start looking for a job already? 
67.   I just got married/got divorced/broke up with my lover. 
68.   They're not hiring. 
69.   I'm a woman (or, I'm a man, I'm an Anglo, I'm a minority . . . etc.) 
70.   It's raining (or, sleeting, snowing, blowing) outside. 
71.   I can't stand (or, sit, or walk, or lay down) for long periods of time. And I don't like talking on the phone, using computers, or meeting people or cats . . . , etc., etc., etc. 
72.   I'm not in the mood. 
73.   I had surgery last year. 
74.   I have a headache/backache/neckache. 
75.   The tires on my car are bald. 
76.   .I'm not strong enough. 
77.   I'm not gonna drive sixteen miles, morning and evening, through freeway traffic, for a lousy $5.15/hour (or, $16.50/hour, or $32.50/hour, or $50,000/year). 
78.   I'm worth more than they could afford to pay me. 
79.   It's been tried before. 
80.   They say I'm overqualified.
81.   I've got 12 weeks of unemployment benefits left, and if I don't use them I lose them. 
82.   It would be too hard to start. 
83.   I'm not about to lower myself to take the kinds of jobs they're offering. 
84.   I couldn't do it alone. 
85.   They always want a drug test, and I'm not going to give them the satisfaction. 
86.   All they have are dead-end jobs, with no hope for quick advancement to upper management. 
87.   My kids are never going to get dumped into day care if I have anything to say about it. 
88.   I've got a "thing" about traveling on public buses. 
89.   If I work, my ex will garnish my wages for child support, and I'll just have to quit and start over again. 
90.   I don't work at any job that isn't fun. When it stops being fun, I leave. 
91.   I don't use public restrooms. 
92.   It would take too long. 
93.   I don't look for work outside my field. 
94.   I'm not a risk taker. It's too risky. 
95.   It can't be done. 
96.   It's summer vacation! (or, the Holidays, or Spring Break, or the championship playoff season.) 
97.   It's too damn far. 
98.   If they don't like the way I dress, screw 'em. 
99.   It's not practical. I've got to be realistic. 
100.   I don't want to drive two hours for a one-hour meeting. 
101.   Nothing would come of it. 
 

"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be whaddya call it, castrated." "What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement.  "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur.

"But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once
it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or
I'll simply go to another doctor."  "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the
hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there", says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror. "Shit! THAT'S the word I was looking for.
 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich:   $1.50
Chicken Sandwich:  $2.50
Special Hand Job:    $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"  "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs,  "I am."

The man replies "Well, wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.  The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
 

Here are some recent computer viruses everyone should know about...

Lewinsky virus..............................Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Ronald Reagan virus...................Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
Mike Tyson virus...........................Quits after one byte.
Lorena Bobbit virus......................Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Ellen Degeneres virus..................Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus.....................................Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus....................................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Prozac virus...................................Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Sharon Stone virus......................Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Woody Allen virus........................Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Tonya Harding virus...................Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
Joey Buttafuoco virus.................Only attacks minor files
Spice Girl virus..............................Has no real substance, but creates a pretty desktop.
Oprah Winfrey virus.....................Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
 

After a two year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreation preferences:

 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:  BASKETBALL
 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:  BOWLING
 3. The sport of choice for front line workers is:  FOOTBALL
 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is:  BASEBALL
 5. The sport of choice for middle management is:  TENNIS
 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is:  GOLF

Isn’t it very strange that the higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become?
 

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.  "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"  "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.  There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."  "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."  "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."  Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"  "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and  drowned."  " Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go  quickly?"  "Well, no Brenda ... no.  Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
 

A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share
his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He
didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious
venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling
them what the meat was they were about to eat. 

"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this
meat?" 

"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."

The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of
the meat on their forks. 

"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son. 

"Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each
boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father
continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this
from time to time." 

The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"
 

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following group of people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Afghanistanian men and 1 Afghanistanian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The 2 Afghanistanian men took turns beating the Afghanistanian woman to death and then started to terrorize the other men on the Island in the name of Allah.

The Irish began by dividing up their island, Northside and Southside, and by setting up a distillery.  They do notremember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on talking about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about
the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.  But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

...AND...

The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
 

A recent study was done by USA Today to determine the most popular position for sex amongst married couples. 

The results showed, overwhelmingly, that it happens to be "doggie style". 

He sits up and begs, while she rolls over and plays dead. 
 

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is "Do you have a condom?" and Donald says "No." Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom.  She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk. 

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.  The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"  Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"
 

Three men had a very late night drinking Molsen Canadians. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw.  I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."
 

A traveler was walking along the roadside when he noticed something in the distance that he couldn't quite
make out. When he got closer, he noticed it was a naked man with his member sticking straight up in the air.
"What the heck are you doing, mister!" The naked man explained, "I'm checking the time."  The curious traveler replied, "Really? Well, then, what time is it?"

The naked man replied, "It's nine o'clock."

The satisfied traveler continued on his journey. Some time later, he happened upon another naked man with
his member sticking straight up in the air.  "What the heck are you doing, mister!"  The naked man explained, "I'm checking the time."  The curious traveler replied, "Really? Well, then, what time is it?"

The naked man replied, "It's ten o'clock."

The satisfied traveler continued on his journey. Some time later, he happened upon yet another naked man
with his member sticking straight up in the air. This time, though, the naked man appeared to be masturbating.

"What the heck are you doing, mister!"

The naked man explained, "I'm winding my clock!"
 

Two fleas decide to winter in Florida and arrange to meet there.    The first arrives as scheduled and spends a few days soaking up sunshine and pina coladas. The second flea arrives one week later, coughing and sneezing uncontrollably. 

"What happened to you?" asks the first flea. "I rode down in the mustache of this guy on a Harley-Davidson, and we hit a snowstorm coming through Ohio," replies the second. "I tell you, it was the worst ride of my life!" 

"You should come down here the way I do," says the first flea. "  I go over to a college and find some nice looking coed, climb up her leg, and go to sleep where its warm and moist." 

"Yeah, you're right," agrees his pal. "That's the way to do it." 

The next winter, the fleas decide to go back down to Florida. 

Again the first flea gets to the beach on time, and again his buddy shows up a week  later, coughing and sneezing, sick as a dog.

"What happened to you?"  asks the first flea. "Didn't you take my advice?"  "I  did," the second flea says. "I went to a college, found a nice looking girl, climbed up her leg, and went to sleep where it was warm and moist. 

The next thing I know, I'm riding in the mustache of this guy on a Harley- Davidson." 
 

01.  Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you. 

02.  Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. 

03.  Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first. 

04.  Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

05.  Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

06.  At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. 

07.  Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. 

08.  Ask the widow to give you a kiss. 

09.  Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn. 

10.  Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin. 

11.  Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12.  Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. 

13.  Leave some phoney dog poop on top of the deceased. 

14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. 

15.  Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

16.  Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

17.  Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp. 

18.  Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you. 

19.  Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.

20.  Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on. 

21.  Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

22.  Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

23.  If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose. 

24.  When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth. 

25.  Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint. 

26.  At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

27.  Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin. 

28.  Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

29.  Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes. 

30.  Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased
 

[a]

A Box of Fish with Tartar Sauce
A Boy Named Gomer
Above Average Weight Band
A Cat Born In An Oven Isn't a Cake
Accidental Goat Sodomy
Adickdid
Adult Children of Heterosexuals
Afghanistan Banana Stand
Aggressive Crotch Display
Agnes Morehead
Aha, the Attack of the Green Slime Beast
Albino Toilet Boys
Alcoholocaust
Alien Nymphos from Uranus
Alien Sex Fiend
Amberham Lincoln
Amputatoe
Anal Babes
Anal Beard Barbers
Anal Cunt
Anal Sadist
Ancient Chinese Penis
An Emotional Fish
Angry Samoans
Anus the Menace
Apocolypse Hoboken
The Archbishop's Enema Fetish
The Armadildoes
Armageddon Dildos
Armpit
Arthur Loves Plastic
Ashtray Boy
The Ass Baboons of Venus
Ass Ponys
Ass Solvent
Assuck
Attila The Stockbroker
 

[ b ]

Baby Shit Brown
Badical Turbo Radness
The Bad Livers
Bad Mutha Goose
Baldilocks
Baloney Ponys
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
A Band Named Bob
Band Over
Barbara's Bush
Barbie Bones
Barefoot Hockey Goalie
Barenaked Ladies
Barf
Barnyard Slut
Barney Rubble and the Cunt Stubble
Barry White Boys
Bassholes
Bearded Clams
Bearded Itchy Lover
Beast Penis
Beats the Hell Out of Me
Beef Masters
The Bendy Monsters
Ben Wa and the Blue Balls
Bertha Does Moosejaw
Bertha's Mule
Betty Ford
Betty's Not a Vitamin
Beverley Beer Bellies
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
Big Ass Truck
Big Balls and the Great White Idiot
Big Black Nun
Big Blow and the Bushwackers
Big Daddy Cumbuckets
Big Dead Fish
Big Dick and the Extenders
Big Fat Pet Clams From Outer Space
Big Fish Ensemble
Big In Iowa
Big White Undies
The Biggest Freak in New Jersey
Bimbo Toolshed
Bionic Roomate
Birth Hole
Bitter Enemies/Butter Enemas
Bizarr Sex Trio [sic]
Black Leather Agenda
Black Leather Jesus
Bleeding Rectum
Blew Willie
Bloated Scrotum
Blonder Tongue
Bloody Stools
Blow Monkeys
Blueballs Deluxe
Boba Fett Youth
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
Body Falling Down Stairs
Boiled Angel
Bolt Upright and the Erections
Bondage A Go Go
Bonedaddys
Bongwater
Bongzilla
Bordering On Retarded
Boris the Sprinkler
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
BowWowWowHaus
Bozo Porno Circus
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Bright Blue Gorilla
Buck Naked and the Bare Bottom Boys
Bullwinkel Gandhi
Brutal Juice
Brutal Noodle
Buck Satan and the 666 Shooters
Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellas
Bulimia Banquet
Bumgravy
The Bumpin' Uglies
Bunchoffuckingoofs
Burger Pimp
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators
Butthole Surfers
Butt Savages
Buttsteak
Butt Trumpet
 

[ c ]

Caltransvestites
Cancer Bunny
Candy Striper Death Orgy
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Captain Drinking Binge
Carnage Asada
Cat Butt
Cat Rapes Dog
Carter the Unstoppable Sexmachine
Cheetah Chrome Motherfuckers
Cherry Coke Enema
Cherry Poppin' Daddies
Cher UK
Chewbacca Plaid Cock
Chia Pet
The Chicken Charmers
Chickens On Smack
Chocolate Bunnies From Hell
Christ On A Crutch
Cindy Brady's Lisp
Circle Jerks
Clive Pig and the Hopeful Chinamen
Clitaurus Rex
Clown Meat
Cobaine's Brains
Cocknoose
Coffin Break
Colon On The Cob
Colostomy Grab-Bag
Cookie Mould and the Smegmettes
The Couch Slugs
Cortizone 5
Crappy the Clown and the Punch Drunk Monkies
Craven Morehead
Crazy Taco Cafeteria
Cream of Whoop-Ass Soup
Crew Slut
Crispy Ambulance
Crocheted Doughnut Ring
Crosseyed Chicken
The Crucifucks
Crybabies With Brassholes
Cultivated Bimbo
Cum Dumpster
The Cunning Runts
Cunts With Attitude
Curious George and the Homophobes
Cycle Sluts From Hell
 

[ d ]

Dairy Queen Empire
Damn the Bad Luck
Dancing Cigarettes
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
Dayglo Abortions
Dead Fish Prophecy
Dead Kennedys
Dead Milkmen
The Dead Pants (Die Toten Hosen)
Deepthroat Shotgun
Desciples of Ed
Demon Barf
Dick Cheese and the Crackers
Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles
Dick Duck and the Dorks
The Dick Nixons
Dickless
The Dicks
Dicky Retardo
Did Lee Squat?
Dildo Warheads
Dirt Clod Fight
Dirty Dick and the Trojan Test Pilots
Dirty Girl Scout
Disappointed Parents
Disgruntled Postal Workers
The Dismemberment Plan
The Do I Look Like I Give a Fucks
Dog Food Five
Dogfuckers
Doggy Style
Dog Lips
Dog Shit Rangers
Dogs With Jobs
Don Knotts Overdrive
Dopper Cocks
Doris Daze
Douche Gimlet
Downy Mildew
Dracula Milk Toast
Drag King
Dragmules
Draw Your Own Cow [Rita din egen ko]
Dreaded Apparatus
Drew Barrymore's Dealer
Drive By Crucifixion
Drive-In Funeral
Drunks With Guns
Dumpster Juice
Dusty Cowshit
 

[ e ]

Earthpig and Fire
Eat My Afterbirth
e. coli
Edith Head
Ed Gein's Car
Ed's Redeeming Qualities
Elastic Sausage
Electric Blue Peggy Sue and the Revolutionions from Mars
Electric Vomit
The Elvis Diet
Elvis and the Shitheads
Elvis Hitler
Emily's Sassy Lime
End of Orgy
Ethyl Meatplow
Ethyl Merman
Eve's Plumb
Evil Weiner
Experimental BBQ
Exploding Boy
Exploding Fuck Dolls
Exploding Head Trick
Exploding Tits
Exploding White Mice
 

[ f ]

Fabulous Pimps
Facial Defecation
Fag
Fag Bash
Fangboy and the Ghouls
Farrt
The Fartz
The Fat Chick from Wilson Phillips
Fat Luv
Fearless Iranians From Hell
The Fellatio Ratio
Fetus Fajitas
Fields of Shit
The Fierce Nipples
'57 Lesbian
Five Fat Guys Who Rock
Fix My Head
The Flaming Donuts of Jesus
Flaming Lips
Flamin' Schnanuses
Flatutory Rape
Flavor of Uranus
Flopping Bodybags
Flying Dustbunnies
Force Vomit
Foreskin 500
Four Honkies In a Big Black Car
The 4-Skins
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
The Freaky Executives
The Fred Mertz Experience
Free Beer
Free Beer and Chicken
Free Range Chicken
The French are from Hell
Freud Chicken
Frogs Don't Cry
Fromage d'Amour
Fuck
Fuckemos
Fuckface
Fuckhead
Fucking Angels
The Fucking Cunts
Fuckin' Shit Biscuits
Fuckin' Son of a Bitch
Fuck Me, Suck Me, Call Me Helen
Fuckshitpiss
Fuck Your Stupid Civilization
Fuck You Yankee Bluejeans
Fudge Tunnel
Full Throttle Aristotle
Full Metal Chicken
Full Metal Faggot
The Funkin' Donuts
Funman and the Scumbags
Furious George
 

[ g ]

Gag Factor
GangGreen
Gangrene
Gangway Fathead
Gaye Bikers on Acid
Gee That's A Large Beetle I Wonder If It's Poisonous
Geisha Balls
Genitorturers
The Glands of External Secretion
Global Disrobal
Glory Hole
God's Girlfriend
Goldfish Don't Bounce
The Go Kill Yourselves
Go Nad Go
Gonoreagan
Granny's Hole
Grim Skunk
Grand Mother Fucker
Gregg Turner and the Blood Drained Cows
Guess My Perversion [Gissa min perversion]
Guitarantula
 

[ h ]

Habitual Sex Offenders
The Hair & Skin Trading Co.
Hakan Sleeps Naked [Hakan Sover Naken]
Half Man, Half Biscuit
Halibutt Sharon
Halo of Flies
Hamster Sandwich
Hard-drinkin' Housewives
Hard-Ons
Harry Palms and the Gym Towels
Harry Pussy
The Hate Fuck Trio
Headless Marines
Headlice
Head Like a Hole?
Heavy Into Jeff
Heavy Pink Insulator
Heavy Vegetable
Helen Keller Plaid
The Helicopter Barfs [Helikoptern kraeks]
Hellacopter Meat
Hell Camino
Hell Toupee
Hello I'm A Truck
Henry Kissinger's Tits
Here, Eat This!
Her Majesty the Baby
Hermaphrochrist
The Hermaphrodaddies
Herpes Cineplex
He's Dead Jim
Heterophobia
Heywood Trout Festival
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler Stole My Potato
Hockey Teeth
Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
Holy Mary, Mother of Bert
Hornets Attack Victor Mature
Horny Hogs
Horny Mormons
The Horrid Farts
Hot Rod Shopping Cart
Hot Seamen
House of Large Sizes
Hugh Jorgan and the Four Skins
The Humpers
The Hurling Tandooris
 

[ i ]

I Buried Paul
If Cows Had Wings
I Just Killed My Parents
I Love My Shih-Tzu
Immaculate Infection
Impaled Nazarene
Impotent Seasnakes
Individual Fruit Pie
The Inflatable Boy Clams
The Inflatable Jesus Love Dolls
Inhale Mary
The Insult That Made a Man Out of Mac
The Introspective Playboy
Iowa Beef Experience
I Played in Anal Spew
Iron Liver
Iron Prostate
It's All Meat
 

[ j ]

Jabbering Trout
Jackie O Motherfucker
Jack Off Jill
The Jackofficers
Jason's Cat Died
Jazz Iguanas
The Jean Paul Sartre Experience
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Jenny's Pussy
Jerry's Kids
Jesus Christ and the Nailknockers
Jesus Christ Super Fly
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Jesus Fucking Christ
JFKFC
Jif and the Choosy Mothers
Jim Jones and the Kool Aid Kids
The Jizzbuckets
Jizzy Speedwack
Joan of Arkansas
Jodie Foster's Army
John Cougar Concentration Camp
John Holmes: Cucumber Smuggler
Johnny Jism
Johnny McPenis and the Ass Clams
Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams
Johnny Uterus and the Fallopian Tubes
Johnny Vomit
Jolly Naked Fishermen
Juggling Death Squad
 

[ k ]

Kaka Pussy
Kamakazi Sex Pilots
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Kenfunky Fried
Kerrigan's Knees
Kick Ass Ernie
Kid Bastard and the Strap-on Dicks
Killer Kiwis
Killer Pussy
Kill Ted Knight
King Fucker Chicken
Kissing the Pink
Knights of Butthole [Perseenreian Ritarit]
Kung Fu Action Clergy Persons
K.Y. and the Backsliders
 

[ l ]

Lavay Smith and The Red Hot Skillet Lickers
Lawnsmell
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Lee Harvey Keitel
Lee Press-On and the Nails
Lesbian Dopeheads on Mopeds
Lesbian Ninjas
Lip Smacking Kitten Lunch
Lipstick Sandwich
Lisa Gives Head
Lord Panic and the Exploders
Lorne Greene's Wet Nipple
Love Gravy
Lovebucket & Slapphappy Super-fly
Lubricated Goat
Lubricunts
The Luminous Toilet Bowls
Lung Mustard
Luxury Christ
 

[ m ]

Maggot Sandwich
Ma Joad and the Load-Blowers
Man...or Astro-Man?
Manson-Nixon Line
Mao Tse Helen
Mary Carves the Chicken
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Mate/Spawn/Kill
Mayhem Lettuce
Me and My Right Hand
Meat Beat Manifesto
Meat Cigars
Meatpipe
Meat Puppets
Meat Shits
Meaty Pants
Mechanical Tampon Fish
Mega Smegma
Men Among Poodles
Menstrual Gravy
Microwavable Tree Frogs
Mighty Sphincter
Mill Valley Taters
Minnie Pearl Necklace
Minnie Pearl's Jam
Mr. Bill and the Cumtones
Mr. Happy and the Genocides
Mr. Quintron and the Flossy Unicorn Puppet Show
Mr. Tasty and the Bread Healers
Mr. T Experience
Moist Fist
Monkey Fucks Football
The Morbid Tavern Apple Choir
More Drunk Cowboys
The Most Sordid Pies
Mother Theresa's Children [Moder Theresas Barn]
Mott the Hoople
Mouse and the Traps
Much Ado About Shit
The Muffs
Mussolini Headkick
My Dad is Dead
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
My Uncle's Asshole
My White Bread Mom
 

[ n ]

Naked Potato
Nancy Reagan's Abortions
Nasal Sex With Broken Glass
Natural Fonzie
Naugahyde Chihuahuas
Nearly Died Laughing While Shaving My Butt
Ned's Atomic Dustbin
The Negro Problem
New Squids on the Dock
99th Fuck You
Nip Drivers
Nipple Erectors
Nipple Hardness Factor
Nocturnal Emissions
Nomad Nipples
Noodle Muffin and the Pig Squints
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving
Not With My Camel
Nuclear Pope Sex Dolls
Nurse With Wound
Nuts Can Surf
 

[ o ]

Octapussy
Oedipussy
1,200,000 Dead Tibetians
1000 Homo DJs
Organic Condom Mazda Drugs
Out of Godzilla's Butt
Out Vile Jelly
Ovarian Trolley
Ozzy Beard Spaghetti
 

[ p ]

Pabst Smear
Painful Discharge
Painful Rectal Itch
Paisley Brain Cells
Pamper the Madman
Pansy Division
Part Time Christians
Paul Minor's Great Big Ego
Peace Love and Pitbulls
Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
Pee
Pee Shy
The Pee Tanks
Pelvic Meatloaf
Penis DeMilo
Penis Flytrap
Penis Pulling Ramrods of Death
Penis Sheurekan
Penis Your Majesty
Penis Wrinkle
People With Chairs Up Their Noses
Peppermint Dildo
Perforated Head
Peter and the Test Tube Babies
Phallus Dei
Phenobarbidols
Philemon Arthur and the Dung
Phlegm Fatale
Picadilly Circus People
Pieces of Lisa
Pimps of Venus
Pink Slip Daddy
Piss
Pissed Officers
Piss Factory
The Pissflaps
Piss Wizards
Placenta Sandwich
Planet of Pants
Plastic Nude Martini
Playdough Fish
Poonanie Cramp-Up
Poop Shovel
Pope John Paul Quartet with Friends and Blowers on the Rocks
Pope on a Stick
Popemobile
Pork Queen
Pornhuskers
Porn on the Cob
Post Nasal Drip
Poultry in Motion
Pounded Clown
Power of Pussy
Power Snatch
Pregnant Men
Premature Ejaculation
Premature Evacuation
Pretentious Flamedogs
Prick
Princess Tinymeat
Printed At Bismarck's Death
Prison Rape Scenes
Professor Morrison's Lollipop
Psychic Buddist Gorillas
Psycho Sluts from Hell
Public Enema
Puke Daisies
Pumpin' Ethyl
Pungent Frustration
Pure Bastard Extract
Purple Headed Love Warriors
Purple Vulture Shit
Pussy Crush
Pussy Galore
Pussy Tourette
 

[ r ]

Radical Vulvetomy
Raging Woodies
Rainbow Butt Monkeys
The Rampant Hedgehogs
Rash of Stabbings
Rats of Unusual Size
Real Fucking Idiots
Rebel Without Applause
Recktum
Rectal Nightmare
Reluctant Stereotypes
REO Speed Dealer
Revolting Cocks
Rhinohumpers
Rhythm Method
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
Rolling Donut
Root Boy Slim and the Sex-Change Band with The Rootettes
Rubber Nipple Salesmen
Rudimentary Peni
Rugburns
Rump Rangers
The Runz
 

[ q ]

Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
The Queers
Queer Wookie
Question Mark & the Mysterians
 

[ s ]

Sam Esh & Hard Black Thing
Sam's Butt
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Satan's Cheerleaders
Satan's Cheese
Satan's Penis
Saturated Fat
Saturday's Garbage
Saturn Flea Collar
Schlong
Science Diet
Scoring Dope for the Ultimate Woman
Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel
Screaming Brocolli
Screaming Fucking Hippies
Screaming Headless Torsos
Screaming Moist Accountants
Scrotum
Septic Death
7 Foot Spleen
Seven Year Bitch
Severe Tire Damage
Sex Clark Five
Sex With Midgets
Sharon Stoned
She Stole My Beer
Sheep On Drugs
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
The Shit
Shit Bong
Shit Birds
Shit Dogs
Shoot the Mime
Shot Down In Ecuador, Jr.
The Shower Scene from Psycho
Shower With Goats
Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
Sinus Envy
Sister Run Naked
Six Inch Nipples
6 Hard Brothers and a Dog
69% Female
Skadelic Smegma
Skankin?EPickle
Skinflick
Skunk Death
Slut Kitchen
Sluts for Hire
Small Ball Paul
Smegma
Smegma & the Nuns
Smelly Tongues
Smilin' Hams
Smoking Popes
Snatch
Snatch Attack
Snatches Of Pink
Sniveling Shits
Snot Rocket
Snuff the Ficus
Sodom & Gomorrah Liberation Front
Softcocks
Solosex
Some Kind of Cream
Soothing Sounds For Baby
Sorry About Your Daughter
Soul Coughing
Spacecocks
Space Hog
Spaceman Bill and the Groovy Gravy
Space Negroes
Space Pussy
Spanking Bishops
Spastic Colon
The Spastic Rats
Speculum Fight
Spermbirds
Sperm Wails
Spock's Johnson
Spooky Tooth
Sucking Diction
Stale Urine
*.fat [pronounced STAR DOT FAT]
STD Police
Stiff Richards
Stiff Woodies
Stinky Fire Engine
St. Mucous
Stop Calling Me Frank
Straight Jacket Lucy
Strangulated Beatoffs
Strong, Naked & Car Thieves [Sterk, Naken & Biltyvene]
Stud McCoy and the Creemy Twinkies
Stukas Over Bedrock
Sucking Chest Wound
Super Sonic Soul Pimps
Surfing Jesus
The Surf Maggots
Surgical Penis Klinik
Susanne and the Guys With Ties
Swallowing Shit
Sweaty Nipples
Swingin' Johnsons
Swingin' Udders
The Swinging Love Corpses
Swollen Monkeys
 

[ t ]

Tastes Like Chicken
T-Bone and the Spit Vendors
Technosquid Eats Parliament
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
Ted Ed Fred
Teenage Jesus and the Jerks
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
Testostertones
Thank God We're Immortal
The The
The Very Idea of Fucking Hitler
They Tried To Frame OJ
They Were Expendable
Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
Third Global Vagina Torture
This
This Is Our Daughter
This Is Serious, Mum
Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments
3D House of Beef
Throbbing Gristle
Thurston Howell's Boner
Tit Wrench
Titty Bingo
To Live and Shave in LA
Toiling Midgets
Tonto's Expanding Headband
Too Fat to Skate
Tortured Scrotum
Toxic Shock and the Tampons
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Trailer Park Casanovas
Traveling Dingleberries
Trotsky Icepick
Trout Fishing In America
Tumor Circus
Tupperware Death
Two For Flinching
Two Minute Sinatra
2000 Flushes
 

[ u ]

UFOFU
Ugly Head
Ultimate Spinach
Unidentified Rocking Objects
Uncle Bob Touched Me
Underpants Machine
Universal Orgiastic Picnic
The Urinals
Urine Specimen
Useless Pieces of Shit
 

[ v ]

Vagina Dentata Organ
Vaginal Blood Farts
Vaginal Davis
Vaginal Reference
Van Gogh's Ear
The Vast Void of Empty Nothingness
The Vegas Cocks
Vegetarian Meat
Venus and the Razor Blades
Vic Morrow's Head
Virgin Prunes
Virgin-Whore Complex
Vermin from Venus
The Veronica Cartwrights
The Vibrators
Vic Vaccume and the Attachments
Violent Anal Death
The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black
Vomit Launch
The Vomit Spots
Vomit Thrower
Vomitorium
Voodoo Meat Bucket
 

[ w ]

Wafflebutt
Waffles Against AIDS [Vafler mot AIDS]
Walking With Edna
Was I Naked
Weird People in Giant Condoms
Weird Skull Control
The Well Hungarians
Well Strung
Wendy and Her Menstrual Cycles
When People Were Shorter and Lived By the Water
Where's The Pope?
White People Lie
White Trash Debutantes
Whorehouse of Representatives
Whorgasm
Who The Hell Are You?
Willie Nelson Mandela
Wonderbred, the Refined White Flour Children
Woodpussy
Wrecked `Em
The Wrench Twisting Streetlickers
Wynona Ryders
 

[ y ]

The Yams from Outer Space
The Yeasty Girls
Your Damn Neighbors
Your Naked Mother
 

[ z ]

Zombies Under Stress
Zoogz Rift and His Amazing Shitheads
Zsa Zsa
Zulu Leprechauns
 

Sign on an electrician's truck:  "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."

Sign Outside a radiator repair shop in a small midwestern town.
     "Best Place in Town to Take a Leak."

Sign in a realtor's office:
     "Lots for little."

Sign in a shoe store:
     "Come in and have a fit."

Sign in a maternity clothes store:
     "We are open on labor day."

Sign in a non-smoking area:
     "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
     and take appropriate action."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
     "Push Push Push."

Sign at entrance of the IRS:
     "Watch your step."

Sign at the exit of the IRS:
     "Watch your mouth."

Sign in a bookstore:
     "We treat you write."

Sign on a front door:
     "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

Sign in an optometrist's office:
     "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to
     the right place."

Sign on a scientist's door:
     "Gone fission."

Sign in a taxidermist's window:
     "We really know our stuff."

Sign in a podiatrist's window:
     "Time wounds all heels."

Sign in a butcher's window:
     "Let me meat your needs."

Sign on used car lot:
     "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign on fence:
     "Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive."

Sign in a car dealership office:
     "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign over a cannibal's hut:
     "I never met a man I didn't like."

Sign in a muffler shop:
     "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Sign at a hotel.
     "Help!  We need inn-experienced people."

Sign in a science teacher's room:
     "If it moves, it's biology.
      If it stinks, it's chemistry.
      If it doesn't work, it's physics."

Sign in butchers window:
     "Pleased to meat you."

Sign on auto body shop:
     "May we have the next dents?"

Sign at the dry cleaner's window:
     "Drop your pants here."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery:
     "Reserved for plant manager."

Sign in a Norwegian lounge:
     "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward:
     "Please do not disturb further."

Sign in an office:
     "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:
     "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"

Sign on music teachers' door:
     "Out Chopin."

Sign at the electic company:
     "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.  However, if you don't, you will be."

Sign on a garbage truck:
     "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

Sign at a computer store:
     "Out for a quick byte."

Sign on restaurant window:
     "Don't stand there and be hungry.  Come in and get fed up."

Sign in a bowling alley:
     "Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop.

Sign on a music library's door:
     "Bach in a minuet."

Sign in a restaurant window:
     "T-bone steak $1  Then, in fine print underneath:
     With meat $12"

Sign on the inside of a bathroom stall:
     "Beware of limbo dancers."

Sign on restaurant window:
     "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home:
     "Drive carefully.  We'll wait."

Sign in school:
     "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

Sign on an asphalt truck:
     "Let us fill your crack!"

Office sign:
     "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."

Sign at a muffler shop:
     "No muff too tough for us!"

Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: 
     "Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice."

Sign seen on an electricity pylon:       DANGER!
     "To touch these wires will result in instant death.  Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."

Sign in a Japanese Hotel room:
     In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.

Sign in a Leipzig elevator:
     "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire:
     "Please do not smoke near the pumps.  If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"

Sign on a Norfolk farm:
     "Trespassers beware!  I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."

Sign seen in  London department store:
     "Bargain Basement Upstairs"

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station:
     "Closed for official opening."

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator:
     "Please leave your values at the front desk."

Sign in a hotel in Athens:
     "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel:
     "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Japanese hotel:
     "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
     "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
     "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
     "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Sign on the menu of a Polish hotel:
     "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket:
     "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."

Sign at fast-food place:
     "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"

Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
     "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop:
     "Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Sign from the Soviet Weekly:
     "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These were 
     executed over the past two years."

Sign in an East African newspaper:
     "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors
     have thrown in the bulk of their workers."

Sign in a Vienna hotel:
     "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

Sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
     "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and 
     women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

Sign in a Zurich hotel:
     "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for
     this purpose."

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
     "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
     "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this
     variation has been played."

Sign in a Rome laundry:
     "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
     a good time.

Sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
     "Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no
     miscarriages."

Sign Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
     "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

Sign on the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
     "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."

Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier:
     "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
     "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

Detour sign in Kobe, Japan:
     "Stop:  Drive Sideways."

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
     "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room:
     "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
     "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign at a Budapest zoo:
     "Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food,
     give it to the guard on duty."

Sign in a Tokyo shop:
     "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best
     in the long run."

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER:
     "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm
     in your room, please control yourself."

Sign from a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
     "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
     Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
     your passage then tootle him with vigor."

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance:
     "English well talking."
     "Here speeching American."
 

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar.  They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.  At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" 

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.  Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I
come from, there's a better one.  Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's.  At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.  You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."  Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great?  Where I come from,  there's this place called Warshowski's.  At Warshowski's, they buy you your first  drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy
 you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two.  "That's fantastic!  Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
 

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.   The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin  and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun.  So he took his costume and away he went. 

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks
watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. 

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". 

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.  Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. 

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"
 

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.  A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"  "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"  After a stunned silence, the whole
class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic...Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip
of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
 

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under Sheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
 

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.  Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so,"  says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"  "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on
into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?"  says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
 

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.  Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.  "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
 

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.  He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer.  Unfortunately, he mistyped the address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the widow of a recently deceased minister. 

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.  When her family finally revived her and asked her what had happened, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
 

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.  He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.  On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.  Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.  "I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"  "Nope, I am actually 47."  He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.  She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.  But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age.  If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for about ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.  Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done.  You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant!  How did you do that?"  The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
 

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation
he puts "Theme Party Come as a Human Emotion". 

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint
with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you
come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy." The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body
stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party." 

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys
from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck
in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested
for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies,
"Well, I'm  fuckin' disgusted, and my friend here has come in despair."! 
 

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices that his buddy has a cork up his butt.  He laughs out loud and remarks, "How the heck did you get a cork stuck up your ass?"

His friends explains, "Well, you'll never guess... I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp...  There was a puff of smoke, and then a man in a turban appeared.  He said, 'I'm the genie and I'll grant you one wish...' And I said, 'No shit.'"
 

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table.  He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man.  He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back into place.  "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."  They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her lovely home for a drink.

They go back to her house, and after they talk a while and get to know one another a bit better, she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him.

They have wild passionate sex over and over all night.  The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed.  The guy is absolutely amazed.  "You know, you are the most wonderful and perfect woman.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies....

”You just happened to catch my eye."
 

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
 

MONDAY
8:00    Husseinfeld
8:30    Mad About Everything
9:00    Suddenly Sanctions
9:30    Allah McBeal

TUESDAY
8:00    Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30    The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00    Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30    Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY
8:00    Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30    Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00    Just Shoot Me
9:30    Veilwatch

THURSDAY
8:00    Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30    M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00    Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30    My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY
8:00    Judge Saddam
8:30    Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00    Achmed's Creek
9:30    No-witness News

SATURDAY
8:00    Persian Hospital
8:30    All My Jewish Children
9:00    Arab Park
9:30    KooKoo Sabzi Live

SUNDAY
8:00    Carpet Weaving Central
8:30    Return of the Killer Kabab
9:00    Islamic Relief 
9:30    CNN - Calligraphy Nightly News
 

The phone rings at the synagogue office. "Hello, is this Rabbi Schwartz?" the caller asked.

"It is."

"This is the Internal Revenue Service. We wonder if you can help us."

"I'll try."

"Do you know a Herman Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is this man a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000?"

"He will"
 

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD...

Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!
 

January 1, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:

Re:  Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time
over the past 100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are
granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time
off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your
next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include
all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
 

A Jewish father was concerned about his son, who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.  To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience
his heritage.  A year later, the young man returned home.  "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said.  "It was wonderful and enlightening.  However, I must confess that while in Israel, I
converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," replied the father, "what have I done?"

So in the traditon of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace."It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend.  "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he returned a Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi.  "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he returned a Christian.  What is happening to our sons?  Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi. 

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.  As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a Mighty Voice stated: "Amazing that you should come to me.  I, too, sent my son to Israel....."
 

Worried about inlaw meddling? I'm an orphan. Write.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen  desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is OK.

Attractive Jewish woman, 35+ college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.

Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah  together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks nonsmoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind.  Looking for American born woman who speaks English very good.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?

80 year old bubbie, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35.  Object: matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

 I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, selfmade. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
 

Advancement opportunity:
     Crap job.

Entry level:
     Really crap job.

No experience necessary:
     The mother of all crap jobs.

Administrative assistant:
     Crap job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity:
    Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company:
     Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player:
     Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid  personalities.

Upbeat personality:
     Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the 1st yr.

Word processing skills essential:
     There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations:
     Receptionist

Professional appearance important:
     $20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner:
     Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,00:
     The salary is $24,000

Jeans job!
     Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

Will train:
     Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

B.A. required, master's preferred:
     Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Civil service:
     This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

Women & minorities encouraged to apply:
     White males need not waste the stamp.

Outstanding benefits package:
     Health insurance.

Tons of variety!
     We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.

Top-notch communication skills:
     Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive location:
     Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

Secretary:
     Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary:
     The most powerful position in the company

Dedicated:
     You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate:
     We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Salary negotiable
     We'll take the lowest bidder.

Competitive salary:
     We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary:
     Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere:
     A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere:
     Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere:
     Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere:
     Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday:
     Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

Self-starter:
     Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.
 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. Upon arriving, the young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Who ever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop." The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so what's the point?"  The old rooster replies, "Okay, just to be fair, give me a head start." The young rooster agrees to this challenge.

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, and grabs his shotgun and BOOM! , he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, that's the third gay rooster I bought this week!"
 

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud  hiss-pop! noise.  "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'  "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."  "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
 

Three women work in the same office with the same female boss.  Every day, they noticed the boss leaves work early.  One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would be right behind her.  After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?  The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.  The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date. 

The blonde was happy - happy - happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!!   Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.  The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
 

At age 04...success is....not peeing in your pants.
At age 12...success is....having friends.
At age 16...success is....having a drivers license.
At age 20...success is....having sex.
At age 30...success is....having your own home.
At age 35...success is....having money.

At age 50...success is....having money.
At age 55...success is....having your own home.
At age 60...success is....having sex.
At age 70...success is....having a drivers license.
At age 75...success is....having friends.
At age 85...success is....not peeing in your pants.
 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny.  He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU.  There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.  The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.  The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.  Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.
 

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye.  He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"  Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."  Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" 
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"   "Yes."   "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"  "Yes."  "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"  "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."   Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." 

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"   The hooker replies, "$1,500."   "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."   The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." 

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.   He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"  The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.  Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"  "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"  "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.  On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."  "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me
how great it was going to be.  Husband #2 was in Software Services, he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back tome.  Husband #3 was from Field Services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.  Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.  Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.  Husband #7 was in Marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.  Husband #8 was a psychiatrist, all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was.... God! I miss him!!! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him what?

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
 

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple.  He had black make-up around his eyes.  The old man just stared at him.  The boy said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"  The old man answered, "Well, yes, actually I have.  I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
 

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire
the employee who came late to work the next morning.  Well, both employees came to work very early. 

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. 

Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.  Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem.  I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." 

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
 

A man was watering his lawn one day when he saw two hearses followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. He thought this was very strange so he asked the guy (with the dog) what was going on. "That's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died," the man answered. 

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that," the guy watering his lawn said. "What about the second hearse?" "Well that's my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died." The guy watering his lawn thought for a minute and said, "Can I borrow your dog?" 

The man with the dog responded, "Back of the line!"
 

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.   She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17.  The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (ouch!)

21.  She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27.  Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
 

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's
posterior chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. 

===========================================

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct.  Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." 

===========================================

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet
from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."  He read the 20/20 line perfectly.  "Now
your left."  Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.  There was silence. He couldn't even read the large "E" on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly that I had asked; he was standing there
with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. 

===========================================

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here
with me. This is only a one-seater!" 

===========================================

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told
me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"  The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....  Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!   Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. 

===========================================

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a
look of complete confusion she answered,  "Why not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." 

===========================================

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." 
 

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali. 

One day last year, the competition went like this: 
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ? 
Brian: Yeah, sure. 
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex ? 
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning. 
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ? 
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes. 
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ? 
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that. 
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian ! 
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table. 
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ? 
Brian: Yeah, alright. 

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ? 
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks. 
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello. 
Sharelle: Hi Brian. 
Brian: Hi Sharelle. 
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali. 
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey. 
Sharelle: O.K. 
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ? 
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio. 
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. 
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work. 
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle? 
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. 
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman. 
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ? 
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no. 
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here. 
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway... just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse ! 

..............Total Radio Silence 
..............Advert 
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday.  Now we'll take a music break
 

 1.   Men are like department stores... their clothes should always be half off.

 2.   Men are like vacations... they never seem to be long enough.

 3.   Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

 4.   Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

 5.   Men are like chocolate bars... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

 6.   Men are like coffee... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

 7.   Men are like horoscopes... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

 8.   Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

 9.   Men are like cement... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
 

After living in the remote wilderness of Arizona all his life, an old eccentric man decided it was time to visit the big city.  In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."  He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.  One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
 

An old man, Mr Smith ,resided in a nursing home.  One day he went to the nurses's office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.  Nurse Jones realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him . "IT DID?  I'm sorry to hear that" she replied. 

2 days later Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing home with his penis hanging out of his pants.
Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith I thought you told me your penis died!!"  "It did"  he replied, "TODAY IS THE VIEWING!"
 

01. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
02.  Nothing improves with age.
03.  No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
04.  Sex has no calories.
05.  Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
06.  There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
07.  Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
08.  No sex with anyone in the same office.
09.  Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.  A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.  If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.  Virginity can be cured.
13.  When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.  Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.  The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16.  Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17.  It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19.  When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20.  Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21.  Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22.  The younger the better.
23.  The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24.  It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25.  Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26.  Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27.  There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28.  Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29.  Love is a hole in the heart.
30.  If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31.  Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32.  Do it only with the best.
33.  Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34.  One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35.  You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36.  Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37.  It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38.  Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39.  Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40.  Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41.  Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42.  A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
43.  What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44.  It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45.  Never say no.
46.  A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47.  Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48.  Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49.  Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50.  A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51.  Love comes in spurts.
52.  The world does not revolve on an axis.
53.  Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54.  Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55.  Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56.  There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57.  Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58.  Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59.  "This won't hurt, I promise."
 

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
 

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.  Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother and was she happy."  The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.  Did she kvell."  The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.  You remember how mom  enjoyed reading the Torah?  And you know she can't see very well.  So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Torah in Hebrew and English.  It took 10 yeshiva students and 4 rabbis 12 years to teach him.  He's one of a kind.  Mama just has to name the portion, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mama sent out her letters of thanks:  "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.  So it really put a strain on me."

"Irving," she wrote to another, "I'm too old to travel.  I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes.  And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Sheldon," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes.  The chicken was delicious."
 

Emily Sue passed away while being visited by her friend and neighbor Bubba.  Bubba called 911.  The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.  "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you please spell that for me?"

There was a long pause.  Finally, Bubba replied, "Tell you what... how 'bout if I drag her over to Oak and 11th Street and you pick her up there?"
 

NIXON:          Watergate
CLINTON:     Waterbed

NIXON:          His biggest fear - The Cold War
CLINTON:     His biggest fear - A Cold Sore

NIXON:          Worried about carpet bombs
CLINTON:     Worried about carpet burns

NIXON:          Took on Ho Chi Minh
CLINTON:     Took on Hoochi Mama

NIXON:          His Vice President was a Greek
CLINTON:     His Vice President is a geek

NIXON:          Couldn't stop Kissinger
CLINTON:     Couldn't stop kissing her

NIXON:          Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
CLINTON:     Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

NIXON:          His name was Tricky Dick
CLINTON:     Congruent to Tricky Dick

NIXON:          Ex-President
CLINTON:     Sex-President

NIXON:          Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
CLINTON:     Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"

NIXON:          Famous for his widow's peak
CLINTON:     Famous for bringing widows to their peak

NIXON:          Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
CLINTON:     Well acquainted with the G Spot

NIXON:          Talked about achieving peace with top honor
CLINTON:     Talked about getting a piece on top of her
 

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
 

A nun gets on a bus and sits down next to a hippie.  The hippie turns to the nun and said,"I want to have sex with you".  The nun takes great offense and gets off the bus.  The bus driver says to the hippie, "I know a way for you to get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says, "how?"  The bus driver replied, "She prays at the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight.  Go there, dress in a sheet, put on a mask, put on some glitter, and say that you are God and that she must sleep with you."  Tuesday night comes, and the hippie goes to the cemetery.  He finds the nun kneeling and preying.  He jumps out of the bushes and says to the nun, "Sister, you prey to me faithfully every Tuesday, and I want you to know that I hear you.  But there is one thing you must do.  You must sleep with me to prove your loyalty to me and the church.  So the nun replies, "OK, but we have to have anal sex because I must remain a virgin."  So they proceed to have anal sex.  When they are
through, the hippie pulls off his mask and laughed, "Ha ha.  I'm not God, I'm the hippie!!"  The nun turns around, pulled off her habit and laughed, "Ha ha.  I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver!!"
 

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie.  Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is" he said "9 pounds and 21 inches long"
 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house.
I sneak up the stairs. I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, 'rub my hand on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'  And she's always sound asleep!"
 

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago.  So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He find that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's dick.  After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."
 

I, the penis ,hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

•  I always do physical labour 
•  I work at great depths 
•  I plunge head first into everything I do 
•  I do not get weekends off or public holidays 
•  I constantly work in damp enviroment 
•  I don’t get paid overtime 
•  I work in total darkness that has poor ventilation 
•  I work in high temperature 
•  My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

•  After assessing your request, and considering the arguments uou have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: 
•  You do not work 8 hours straight 
•  You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods 
•  You do not always follow the orders of the management team 
•  You do not stay in your allocated position and often visit other areas 
•  You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start work 
•  You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift 
•  You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations ie wearing correct protective clothing 
•  You’ll retire well before reaching 65 
•  You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work 
•  And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly enetering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags

Sincerely,
The Management
 

Two couples were playing cards one evening.  Larry accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Larry upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. 

Later, Larry went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.  Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Larry admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said,"Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." 

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, Larry says that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and 
Larry doesn't, that Larry should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon. 

When Friday rolled around, Larry showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2pm sharp and after paying her the agreed upon $500, they went to the bedroom and completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. 

Afterwards, Larry quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm and upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did Larry come by the house this afternoon?" 

With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". 
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"  In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well,yes, in fact he did give me $500".   Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. Larry came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He  promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." 

NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER! 
 

A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?" Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the Loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"

Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense: Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position....

Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?  It's the spread eagle

Due to Clinton's escapades The Lord added an 11th commandment: 11. Thou shalt not stick thy rod in thy staff.

President Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies' panties on his arm.  Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and of course wondered what he was doing.  At an afternoon press conference Donaldson got brave enough to ask him why he had a pair of ladies' panties on his arm.  The President replied: "It's the patch.  I'm trying to quit."

The Spelling Bee...Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word.

When women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President, 86% said "Not again."

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? "Sat on the Presidential Staff"

What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal? Fornigate.

Most people afraid of getting AIDS from sex. Clinton is afraid of getting sex from Aides.

What were Clinton's first words to Paula Jones at the deposition?  "So now you open your mouth!"

Do you know why Clinton doesn`t play his saxophone anymore?  Cause he is playing with his horeMonika.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?  They were both upset when Bill finished first.

What is Bill's definition of safe sex?  When Hillary is out of town.

How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?  He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President,
What do you want to do about it?" the aide replies.  "Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.

When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?  When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?  He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?  He just bends over the pages!

How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?  "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth."
 

*  ADOLPH HITLER:  In order to get onto the train.
*  ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.  Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.  Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with  Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.  This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
*  ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
*  BILL CLINTON:  I DID NOT have any relations with this chicken.
*  BILL GATES:  I have just released the new Chicken Office 2003 with Visual Chicken, which will not only cross roads, but will lay 
    eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
*  BUDDHA:  Asking this question denies your own chicken. 
*  CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
*  COLONEL SANDERS:  I missed one?
*  DARWIN:  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
*  EINSTEIN:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
*  ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die.  In the rain.
*  FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
*  FREUD:  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
*  HIPPOCRATES:  Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
*  JERRY SEINFELD:  Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, what the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
*  JESUS:  It was looking for it’s Savior.
*  KARL MARX:  It was a historical inevitability.
*  KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:  To get to the other side.
*  MACHIAVELLI:  The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
*  MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:  I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
*  MAYOR OF NEW JERSEY:  In an attempt to avoid paying any more tolls.
*  MICHAEL SCHUMACHER:  It was an instinctive maneuver; the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
*  MOSES:  And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
*  OLIVER STONE:  The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
*  PLATO:  For the greater good.
*  RALPH WALDO EMERSON:  The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
*  RICHARD M. NIXON:  The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
*  RUDOLPH GULIANI:  Don't get your hopes up.  The chances are that it never made it across the road.
*  SADDAM HUSSEIN:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
*  STANLEY KUBRICKS:  The way I saw it… the road first crossed the chicken.
*  THE POPE:  Let us pray that all chickens will know when its right and not right to cross the road.
*  TIMOTHY LEARY:  Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
*  YOUR FATHER:  Unless this chicken is ready in the oven... I don't know and I don't care.
*  YOUR MOTHER:  Ask your father.
*  WALT DISNEY:  To catch tthe next bus to Disney World.