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Q: A CHINESE COUPLE IS IN BED… THE HUSBAND SAYS
CAN WE 69?
A: His wife says "why you want Beef and Broccoli now?" |
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Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CHINESE COUPLE THAT HAD A
BLACK BABY?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. |
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Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE DYSLEXIC RABBI?
A: He walks around saying "Yo". |
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Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW BLONDE PAINT?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy. |
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Q: DID YOU HEAR THEY CAME OUT WITH A NEW SELENA DOLL?
A: Ken and Barbie needed a maid. |
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Q: DO YOU KNOW THE PUNISHMENT FOR BIGAMY?
A: Two mothers-in-law for life. |
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Q: HEARD ABOUT THE NEW DIVORCE BARBIE?
A: It comes with all of Ken's stuff. |
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Q: HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE
SAME?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer. |
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Q: HOW ARE MEN AND PARKING SPOTS ALIKE?
A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped. |
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Q: HOW ARE WOMEN AND ROCKS ALIKE?
A: You skip across the flat ones. |
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Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A BLONDE HAS BEEN USING YOUR
COMPUTER?
A: There is whiteout all over the monitor. |
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Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A GIRL IS A REDNECK?
A: She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit and what to swallow. |
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Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A MAN IS HORNY?
A: He's breathing. |
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Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL THE IRISH GUY IN THE HOSPITAL?
A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. |
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Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN A BLONDE SENDS YOU A FAX?
A: It has a stamp on it. |
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Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN AN AUTO MECHANIC JUST HAD SEX?
A: One of his fingers is clean. |
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Q: HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
A: They take the psycho path. |
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Q: HOW DO GREEKS SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS?
A: With a crowbar. |
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Q: HOW DO YOU CIRCUMCISE A REDNECK?
A: Kick his sister in the chin. |
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Q: HOW DO YOU DROWN A BLONDE?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. |
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Q: HOW DO YOU FIND A BLIND MAN IN A NUDIST COLONY?
A: It is not hard. |
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Q: HOW DO YOU GET A NUN PREGNANT?
A: Dress her like an altar boy. |
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Q: HOW DO YOU GET A TWINKLE IN A BLONDE'S EYE?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear. |
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Q: HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
A: You boil the hell out of it. |
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Q: HOW DO YOU MAKE YOUR WIFE SCREAM AFTER AN ORGASM?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains. |
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Q: HOW DOES A GUY KNOW IF HE HAS A HIGH SPERM COUNT?
A: If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. |
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Q: HOW DOES A SPOILED RICH GIRL CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment." |
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Q: HOW IS A MAN LIKE A SNOWSTORM?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. |
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Q: HOW IS A WOMAN LIKE A CONDOM?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. |
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Q: HOW MANY COPS DOES IT TAKE TO PUSH A BLACK MAN DOWN
THE STAIRS?
A: NONE - He fell… |
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Q: IF THE DOVE IS THE BIRD OF PEACE, WHAT IS THE BIRD
OF TRUE LOVE?
A: The little swallow. |
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Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES
FOR?
A: It is Braille for "suck here." |
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Q: WHAT ARE THREE WORDS THAT CAN EASILY RUIN A MAN'S
EGO?
A: "Is it in?" |
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Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY WHEN SHE OPENED THE BOX OF
CHEERIOS?
A: Oh look, daddy... doughnut seeds. |
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Q: WHAT DID THE HISPANIC FIREMAN NAME HIS TWO KIDS?
A: Jose and Hose B. |
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Q: WHAT DO A RUBIX CUBE AND A PENIS HAVE IN COMMON?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get. |
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Q: WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
A: Polaroids. |
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Q: WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
A: Dam. |
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Q: WHAT DO PRISONERS USE TO CALL EACH OTHER?
A: Cell phones. |
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Q: WHAT DO SMART BLONDES AND UFO'S HAVE IN COMMON?
A: You always hear about them but you never see them. |
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Q: WHAT DO THEY CALL SYPHILIS IN RUSSIA?
A: Rotyacrotchoff. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 100 WHITE MEN CHASING A BLACK MAN?
A: The Masters Golf Tournament. (by Rich Moore) |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
A: Quatro sinko. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A: A stick. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BULL THAT IS PLAYING WITH HIMSELF?
A: Beefstrokenoff. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GERMAN TAMPON?
A: A Twatstika. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
A: Nacho cheese. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH NO LEGS?
A: Ground beef. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A MEXICAN WITH A VASECTOMY?
A: A dry Martinez. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL AN AMISH GUY WITH HIS HAND UP A
HORSES ASS?
A: A Mechanic. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETERNITY?
A: Four Blondes at a four way stop. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ORIENTAL PERSON ON QUAALUDES?
A: Mellow-yellow. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL KIDS BORN IN WHOREHOUSES?
A: Brothel sprouts. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU COME ACROSS AN ELEPHANT?
A: Wipe it off. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
A: Spoiled milk. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A POLLACK AND A CHICANO?
A: A kid who spray paints his name on a chain link fence. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
A: Frostbite. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS RAGGEDY ANN AND THE
PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. |
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Q: WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN THE FLAG AT THE POST OFFICE
IS FLYING AT HALF MAST?
A: They're hiring. |
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Q: WHAT DO TOILETS, CLITORIS, AND AN ANNIVERSARY HAVE
IN COMMON?
A: Men miss them all. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A YEAST INFECTION
AND AN ACHY BREAKY HEART?
A: An itchy twitchy crotch. |
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Q: WHAT DOES NOT BELONG IN THIS LIST: MEAT, EGGS, WIFE,
BLOWJOB?
A: Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. |
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Q: WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP,
CLOP?
A: An Amish drive-by-shooting. |
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Q: WHAT GOES "MARC MARC"?
A: A dog with a hairlip. |
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Q: WHAT HAS FOUR LEGS, IS BIG, GREEN, FUZZY, AND IF
IT FELL OUT OF A TREE WOULD KILL YOU?
A: A pool table. |
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Q: WHAT HAS SEVENTY-FIVE BALLS AND SCREWS OLD LADIES?
A: Bingo! |
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Q: WHAT IS 12 INCHES LONG AND HANGS IN FRONT OF AN ASS
HOLE?
A: Clinton's tie. |
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Q: WHAT IS A BLONDE'S FAVORITE NURSERY RHYME?
A: Hump-me Dump-me. |
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Q: WHAT IS A JAPANESE GIRL'S FAVORITE HOLIDAY?
A: Erection day. |
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Q: WHAT IS A WIENER?
A: The first to cross the finish line at a Mexican track meet. |
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Q: WHAT IS BILL CLINTON'S DEFINITION OF SAFE SEX?
A: When Hillary is out of town. |
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Q: WHAT IS GREEN AND SMELLS LIKE PORK?
A: Kermit the frog's finger after a night out with Miss Piggy. |
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Q: WHAT IS GROSSER THAN GROSS?
A: When you open your fridge and your rump roast farts at you. |
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Q: WHAT IS INVISIBLE AND SMELLS LIKE WORM?
A: A bird fart. |
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Q: WHAT IS IT WHEN A MAN TALKS NASTY TO A WOMAN?
A: Sexual harassment. |
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Q: WHAT IS IT WHEN A WOMAN TALKS NASTY TO A MAN?
A: $3.99 a minute. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE BIGGEST FISH IN THE WORLD?
A: A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A NICE GREEK BOY?
A: A Greek boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her mother. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF CONFUSION?
A: Twenty lesbians in a fish market. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF COWBOY FOREPLAY?
A: Get in the truck, bitch. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF MACHO?
A: Jogging home after your own vasectomy. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF MIXED EMOTIONS?
A: When you see you’re mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new Mercedes. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A '90'S WOMAN AND
A COMPUTER?
A: '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A
BAD SKYDIVER?
A: A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky diver goes damn, whack. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLIMP AND 365 BLOW
JOBS?
A: Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A BRICK?
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A MOSQUITO?
A: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A
HUSBAND?
A: 45 minutes. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DOG AND A FOX?
A: About 5 or 6 drinks. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GAY RODEO AND A
STRAIGHT RODEO?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell ride that sucker. |
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Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A
WIFE?
A: 45 lbs. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GOLF BALL AND A
WOMAN'S G-SPOT?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for the golf ball. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
A: The location of the Dirt Bag. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WHOREHOUSE AND A
CIRCUS?
A: One is a cunning array of stunts. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN IRISH WEDDING AND
AN IRISH FUNERAL?
A: One less drunk. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ORAL THERMOMETER
AND A RECTAL THERMOMETER?
A: The taste. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BILL CLINTON AND AN
OLD SCREWDRIVER?
A: A screwdriver turned in screws, Clinton screwed interns! |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BILL CLINTON AND THE
TITANIC?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EROTIC AND KINKY?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIGHT AND HARD?
A: You can sleep with a light on. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEDIUM AND RARE?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEETING BILL CLINTON
AND MEETING THE POPE?
A: You only have to drop to one knee when you meet the Pope! |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MONO AND HERPES?
A: You get mono from snatching a kiss. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PARSLEY AND PUSSY?
A: Nobody eats parsley. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PICK AND CHOOSE?
A: Pick is when you make a selection, choose is what a Mexican wears on his feet. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR PAYCHECK AND
YOUR COCK?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! |
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Q: WHAT IS THE FIRST THING A BLONDE DOES WHEN SHE WAKES
UP?
A: Walks home. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE FOURTH BIGGEST LIE?
A: It is only a cold sore. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE GERMAN WORD FOR VIRGIN?
A: Goodentite. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT AIDS?
A: Leaving your friends behind. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE LAST THING THROUGH A BUG'S MIND WHEN
IT HITS THE WINDSHIELD?
A: His ass. |
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Q: WHAT IS THE SPEED LIMIT OF SEX?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. |
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Q. WHAT IS WRINKLED AND HANGS OUT YOUR UNDERWEAR?
A. Your mother. |
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Q: WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
A: Sanka. |
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Q: WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A: A nervous wreck. |
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Q: WHAT PART OF A WOMAN DOES A MAN LIKE LOOKING AT BEST?
A: The top of her head. |
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Q: WHAT WOULD YOU CALL IT WHEN AN ITALIAN HAS ONE ARM
SHORTER THAN THE OTHER?
A: A Speech Impediment. |
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Q: WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
A: Right where you left him. |
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Q: WHERE DOES AN IRISH FAMILY GO ON VACATION?
A: A different bar. |
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Q: WHERE DOES VIRGIN WOOL COME FROM?
A: The sheep that the herders could not catch. |
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Q: WHICH 3RD GRADER HAS THE BEST BODY, THE BLONDE, BRUNETTE
OR REDHEAD?
A: The blonde - she's eighteen. |
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Q: WHY ARE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. |
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Q: WHY ARE MEN LIKE LAXATIVES?
A: They irritate the shit out of you. |
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Q: WHY AREN'T THERE ANY PUERTO RICANS ON STAR TREK?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future either. |
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Q: WHY CAN'T BLONDES DIAL 911?
A: They can't find the eleven on the phone! |
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Q: WHY CAN'T MEN GET MAD COW DISEASE?
A: Because they're all pigs. |
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Q: WHY DID GOD CREATE MAN?
A: Because you cannot get a vibrator to mow the lawn. |
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Q: WHY DID HILLARY CLINTON WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH BILL
CLINTON EVERY DAY AT 5AM?
A: She always wanted to make sure that she was the first lady. |
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Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE MODEL SNORT LOTS OF NUTRASWEET?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke. |
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Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE STARE AT A CAN OF FROZEN ORANGE
JUICE?
A: Because it said concentrate. |
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Q: WHY DO BLONDES ALWAYS SMILE DURING LIGHTNING STORMS?
A: They think their picture is being taken. |
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Q: WHY DO BLONDES HAVE "TGIF" WRITTEN ON THEIR SHOES?
A: Toes Go In First. |
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Q: WHY DO FARTS SMELL?
A: So deaf people can appreciate them too. |
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Q: WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
A: Because they have big fingers. |
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Q: WHY DO GREEK MEN WEAR GOLD NECK CHAINS?
A: So they know where to stop shaving. |
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Q: WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
A: They want to. |
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Q: WHY DO SOME MEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT?
A: Because breasts don't have eyes. |
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Q: WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
A: So men will talk to them. |
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Q: WHY DO WOMEN PAY MORE ATTENTION TO APPEARANCE THAN
IMPROVING THEIR MINDS?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind. |
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Q: WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE
MORNING?
A: They don't have balls to scratch. |
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Q: WHY DOES A PENIS HAVE A HOLE IN THE END?
A: So men can be open minded. |
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Q: WHY DOES A WOMAN SMILE WHEN SHE WALKS UP THE AISLE?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job. |
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Q: WHY DOES IT TAKE LONGER TO BUILD A BLONDE SNOWMAN
AS OPPOSED TO A REGULAR ONE?
A: You have to hollow out the head. |
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Q: WHY DOES THE NEW POLISH NAVY HAVE GLASS BOTTOM BOATS?
A: So they can see the old navy. |
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Q: WHY DOESN'T MEXICO HAVE AN OLYMPIC TEAM?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America. |
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Q: WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog. |
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Q: WHY DON'T BLONDES LIKE MAKING KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. |
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Q: WHY DON'T ITALIANS HAVE ACNE?
A: It slides off. |
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Q: WHY IS IT HARD FOR A WOMEN TO FIND MEN WHO ARE SENSITIVE,
CARING, & GOOD LOOKING?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends. |
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Q: WHY SHOULDN'T BLONDES HAVE COFFEE BREAKS?
A: It takes too long to retrain them. |
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Q: WHY WAS PRESIDENT CLINTON SO INTERESTED IN EVENTS
IN THE MIDDLE EAST?
A: He thought the Gaza Strip was a topless bar. |
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Q: WHY WAS THE BLONDE'S BELLY BUTTON SORE?
A: Her boyfriend was a blonde also. |
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Q: WHY WAS TIME OUT CALLED AT THE LEPER HOCKEY GAME?
A: There was a face off in the corner. |
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